Life Lessonz 2

karma

  1. Did you know at a bridal shower however many ribbons you break while opening presents is how many children you are going to have?
  2. I think its crazy that you can deposit a check through your phone and am afraid to try it
  3. I totally believe in karma
  4. Sometimes I think traveling will help me find whatever it is that I’m looking for. Sometimes I think traveling will just help me learn more about myself. Maybe they are the same thing?
  5.  Can’t wait to see The Great Gatsby, especially because Leo is in it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgimSTMuDF0
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“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”

I consider myself a pretty reasonable person, even rational sometimes, but not always. I can admit when I am being stubborn but I fight for what I think is fair. Fair is something to be debated, and often times, ignored. Like some, I found myself in a college relationship that has managed to exist well after college was over. He is wonderful- let me be clear, though, wonderful and perfect are two different things. He thinks he has the world and this relationship figured out, but I hate to break it to him that just because he “got around” in college does not mean he is a relationship expert. Our ideas of fair are very different.

Said boyfriend recently admitted to me that he will never apologize for something if he feels he did nothing wrong. What he didn’t know is that after several months of dating I had figured that one out (I’m much more intuitive than he gives me credit for). I think I was just shocked to actually hear him admit to it. Is this something he learned at home? Is this something he thinks is actually going to get him places? Any time we are in a disagreement he will say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or, “I’m sorry you thought that’s what I meant.” Never will he say, “I’m sorry that I did something wrong,” or, “I’m sorry that I messed up.” *There was one exception, over the course of our relationship and he DEFINITELY owed an apology. He words it so that I’m the one who is wrong or messed up. How effed up is that? Unfortunately, I have become accustomed to not needing an apology and letting things “go”. Right, because girls are so good at doing that. It doesn’t seem fair.

Is this something I can live with for the rest of my life? Yes, I see myself marrying him and having a family with him, but can I really go on knowing that I will never get an apology if I feel I deserve one? He did apologize that one time…is that enough to guarantee that he would apologize again if need be? Who knows. All I know is that I feel like I just realized that Santa isn’t real and the rug has been pulled out from under me. That seems fair, right?

Life Lessonz 1

Once a week I plan to post “life lessons” I have learned. Maybe my random learnings can teach you something? Probably not.

  1. You must register your Starbucks gift cards so you can get a gold card after 30 purchases. And yes it is a real gold card they send you.
  2. Having someone tell me it will happen “someday” is getting old
  3. I never expected making time for friends post-college could be hard and that a Google calendar may be needed
  4. Peanut Butter and chocolate really is a heavenly combination
  5. Country music isn’t as bad as I originally thought
  6. Clients will contact you 100 times a day one week and not return a single email or phone call from you the next week
  7. Kevin McCall is hot

Tampons Really Stick

Drunk sex always has implication. The real questions are: what are they? and how will they impact you? For many girls it’s the next morning when they realize who it is they slept with, but sometimes it takes a bit longer like maybe a week to realize the ramifications.

For me it took a week though I should have seen the signs before.  During a drunken night I had sex with someone, figuring it was the end of my period it seemed like no harm and hey, it was in my bed so if I make a mess well then who cares.  I don’t remember the sex or anything else but I remember some discomfort for a while after.  Oblivious girl that I am figured it was nothing and went on with life. 

Well that life seemed to come to a shattering stop when a new boy came into the picture.  As we were enjoying the ending of a fun night he felt something unusual and turned to me and said “what the hell is that!?”  Is that what I think it is?  I of course dumbfounded had no idea what he was talking about until he made me touch it and after a minute I had a week old tampon in my hand.  Now I have to give this kid credit because he truly was in it to win it and finish.  I took the high approach and continued with the session, which made me realize guys really don’t give a shit when they are getting laid.  So remember that ladies, whenever you think your situation is bad it can always be worse.

Stolen Booty Call

For most individuals who stroll home from the bar finding out your elevator is broken is the end of the world especially when you live on a double-digit floor, yet this was not my case.  After failing to try to find my doorman and make him fix the elevator at 4 am, I started talking to the cute boy also stranded in the lobby. We chatted during our long trek up the stairs, because who when they are drunk thinks of using the service elevator?  As I approached my stop he inquired about stopping by for a bit too.  Normally I would say no but the alcohol and pain from my feet said, “what the hell”.  As we sat and chatted a bit more I learned he did not live in my building and to top it off he was here to see another lovely woman in the floor below me.  As he put his phone on silent and we started going at it I realized that even booty calling someone was no longer a sure thing.  It taught me to always go down and greet your suitor or at least have a back up.

When Jew Girls go bad

For most Jewish girls whether religious or not the synagogue plays a large part in their life. They are named there, confirmed there, and become an adult there.  I guess I felt though that my bat mitzvah did not truly secure me into adulthood and instead felt I needed to do something else to really seal that deal. And yes, I mean truly seal the deal with penetration.  I blame Elijah, Miriam and everyone else who attended or was supposed to attend this young professional seder because why blame myself for taking the haggadah seriously and drinking 4 large cups of wine without sparing a drop?

After taking the drinking seriously, I found myself a bit more tipsy than I had planned, which seemed to be my new theme these days. My guy friend who I had dragged to the seder and had already promised to see his house aka just go home with for a nice quickie suggested a wonderful idea.  He texted me to meet him in the bridal room that was conveniently and inconveniently located right across from our lovely seder.  Thankfully this room was locked.   But of course a little bump in the road never stops me when I get an idea in mind.  After a quick pit stop we managed to stumble upon the sanctuary of this lovely synagogue.  A place both of us knew too well.   As we entered the dark empty room it just seemed to click that this would be the perfect location for a nice quickie.  It was dark, private and no one would bother us.  As we stood next to the bimah, I let my friend enter me, I was full of excitement while he trembled at the thought of getting caught and only lasted a few minutes before exclaiming this was wrong and then proceeding to pull out.  I attempted to reason with him but really had nothing to say.  Of course this was not the end, oh no it was just the beginning.

Now I have never been one to let a job go unfinished and live by this policy.  So we left our new seder friends and headed back to his place.  As we drove from the metro to his house the alcohol took over again and I started to blow him while driving.  He was a bit more conscious and parked the car so that we could properly go at it from the front seat to spice things up a bit.  After finishing and driving back to his place, I believe God finally was angry, either at me for not forcing him to finish in shul or for the act of trying to have sex. And when God gets mad he gets even, in this instance it was with puke in the bed.  Now this would have been one thing if we were dating but when you are in a friends with benefits situation this is not ok.   So after waking up from the black out I did the only thing I thought was appropriate and screwed him hard, cleaned up my puke and promised one more good fuck before I left.  I have to admit I really meant what I said because it truly was some good sex and made the situation a bit better.

If I Were A Boy…

Like I’ve said before, I live with 4 other girls. We talk about everything. Literally everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, the gross, the delicious, the fun, the awkward, and particularly the sexual. One conversation we had was what we would do if we had penises. I took notes and the following list evolved:

  • spend 2 hours a day on the toilet
  • Work out and be a cocky asshole
  • Touch my penis all the time
  • Jack off all the time
  • We’d always have boners (how do guys not have boners more!?)
  • Grind up on a chick
  • Hump the air more
  • Funky pube shavings
  • Rub my penis on different surfaces
  • See how much it would shrink
  • Blue balls pain
  • Understand the taint
  • ask girls on dates
  • Get head – what does it really feel like?
  • See what the hype is with the doggie style view
  • Tuck it in my waistband
  • Try to pee without holding my penis
  • Go to the bathroom and try to understand how guy’s don’t look at each other’s penises
  • Take Viagra
  • Play football
  • See if different condoms feel different
  • Come to a conclusion on the argument of boxers vs. briefs vs. boxer briefs 

This note is a combination of five twenty-something minds, I have no doubt most of you are curious about the same things…

Spinning Out Of Control: When Bar Crawls Go Bad

real-life note

To preface this, one should never go on an all day and night bar crawl after not drinking for over a month.  But I guess these are the mistakes we are supposed to make when we are 20 years old, so we can learn from them later in life, also known as the next morning.

All bar crawls always start off great.  You say you are going to start out slow, sipping your drink; but by the fifth bar you know it’s going to go downhill.  Or at least I should have known when I ordered rounds of shots.  That’s what really does you in.  Back in your early 20s in college, shots were like water they went down smooth and never did you in, but in post-college life they are the deal breaker; they turn a fun evening with friends dancing, into bad decisions.

As the bar tour began to wind down, reaching our final destination we made ourselves cozy, taking over the dance floor with a dance battle followed by crazy moves one would not usually display in public.  We wanted to start our list of requests for the evening.  Normally this entails being nice to the DJ,  ensuring your request are played before you leave but I somehow decided that just talking nicely and batting my eyelashes was not enough.  NO I decided I would take it upon myself to ensure all songs anyone would or could want would be played by getting hot and heavy with the DJ.  True I blame the alcohol for making me take charge but the blame of alcohol can only go so far.  It cannot explain why after disappearing from my friends and making out for a bit more I decided sex in the DJ booth would make the evening perfect.  Most girls would ask their counterpart but no, I like to take charge and unzipped his pants to whip out his dick.  To my dismay he was not as enthused with my idea I was, but that may have been due to the 10 drink difference between us.  

Some girls at this point would be embarrassed and leave yet I stayed confident and the sucking face continued and in fact continued until he drove me home and I invited him in.  I do not remember a single thing from this point.  But I can tell you I awoke the next morning to a lovely note displayed on the pillow next to me stating:

Dear X,

It was great meeting you the other night.  I had a great time.  Here is my number ###-###-####. I would love to hear from you again.

-Y

PS Very Attractive!

Of course at this point my only option was to look into the garbage can to answer the age old question.  Yes we had fucked but hey at least I was safe.  Upon the usual internet stalking I learned that not only had beer goggles taken over but I had now reached into a new age of prey, the 40s.  Ugh the thought made want to sanitize my body and never drink again, which of course lasted less than a week.

 So ladies let us remember the next time you go on a bar crawl partner up and make sure you each go home without your new found dad.

Coffee Shop Encounters

My job allows me to telecommute which is really great but being a twenty something year old I really don’t like sitting at home by myself for nine hours a day so I frequent two different coffee shops.  I’ve had a number of odd/awkward encounters at these coffee shops but then again I always seem to attract some interesting characters that think for some reason I want to listen to them.

Here is a list of some of the unique individuals I have met:

  1. Bible Bro

When I work I am always on my computer and almost always have my headphones in.  On this particular occasion I didn’t have my headphones in, rookie mistake. Fairly randomly this older man asked me what I was doing on my computer. He was very nice and assumed I was a student so I explained my job and what I did. It was a normal conversation until he asked me if I went to church in the area and I politely replied, “No, I don’t really attend church.” He looked at me with such disdain that I felt like I had to explain myself. He proceeded to tell me what churches were nearby and how I should really consider attending one and finding my place while I’m young. It was really awkward and unexpected and not something I anticipated ever dealing with at this coffee shop.

  1. 2. Hot Dad

What prompted me to write this post was my second run in with the hot dad.  The first instance happened when I was, as usual, wearing my school colors. Hot dad is about 6’ 2” with dark hair and is well built. He approached me while I was waiting for my order saying he was applying to my school for his PhD and wanted to know what I thought about it. If you know me you know I’m slightly obsessed with my college so I gushed about it for a while and we continued to chat for a bit about what I did and what he wanted to study.  Any chance I get to talk about my school I do, so the conversation was pleasant. As we’re wrapping up he asks if he can get my number or business card. Typical me move I give him my phone number. Yep, bad move I know. Anyways he then called me around 10:30pm the next night and I decided it wasn’t in my best interest to answer. I realize I was making this more awkward than it actually was but I felt weird about the whole situation and didn’t know if getting coffee with this hot dad was really the best idea. Anyways I avoided that coffee shop for a while and just returned to it yesterday for the first time in months. Low and behold there he is. I put up my hood and hoped my headphones scream, “please leave me alone.” Guess they didn’t because he came over and asked if it was in fact me. He then asked if I had heard about our new football coach (Of course I had) and talked for a while about where he had applied and heard back from. He then said he’d call me sometime soon so we could meet up and discuss my school. Yea I know it isn’t THAT weird but it was just another peculiar encounter.

3. The bearded old man

On this particular occasion I did have my headphones in and this man still thought I wanted to talk to him. It was a rainy day so I was sporting my paisley rain boots. Let me paint a visual of this man first. He was about 60 years old with a gray beard down to the middle of his chest and hair down to his shoulders. He had on sunglasses, a leather jacket, black jeans and black boots. He walked up to me and asked where I got my boots because he wanted to get some just like them. I hesitantly answered “Target…” and tried to quickly stick my ear buds back in. He then proceeded to make some light conversation where I basically nodded and acted like I had just received the most interesting email.  I think he finally got the hint but not before he asked if he could “use my computer to check his email”. I told him I was leaving soon and had to take my computer and he replied while laughing, “I’m only kidding!”

It was just bizarre.

Here’s to more awkward encounters!

10 Things I Do at Work That No One Should Ever Do

I’m in my second year of Real Person status, and I’m probably one of the lucky twenty-somethings with my own office. And by own office I mean door and all (no cubes for me!)

My office is situated smack-dab in front of the kitchen (dream) and one of the vice presidents of my company resides in the office to my left. Directly to my right is a conference room, aka my “get out of jail free” card because if anyone was in there, they definitely aren’t paying attention to the noises coming from my office.

The door to my office is constantly open, and I drink one full bottle of water every hour requiring a bathroom trip eight times a day.

This so-called “privacy” and my drinking routine have led me to do some things that I hope others do too, but remain silent about. Thus I will list my secrets without any explanation.

10 Things I Do at Work That No One Should Ever Do:

  1. Tell the Vice President of your company your favorite curse word is “butthole”
  2. Go to work in the t-shirt you slept in
  3. Have a farting contest with yourself
  4. Pick up your shirt to itch your boob
  5. Zumba
  6. Purposely take the biggest poops in the bathroom when professionals I’m annoyed by are in there
  7. Scratch that itchy vagina (hands down pants)
  8. Pee on yourself (squatting causes this all to frequent accident)
  9. Fart walk (this is an uncontrollable movement of air that only gets worse with movement) unpreventable, but still just as inappropriate
  10. Trim your arm hair

I’d like to think I’m not the only one guilty?