To preface this, one should never go on an all day and night bar crawl after not drinking for over a month. But I guess these are the mistakes we are supposed to make when we are 20 years old, so we can learn from them later in life, also known as the next morning.
All bar crawls always start off great. You say you are going to start out slow, sipping your drink; but by the fifth bar you know it’s going to go downhill. Or at least I should have known when I ordered rounds of shots. That’s what really does you in. Back in your early 20s in college, shots were like water they went down smooth and never did you in, but in post-college life they are the deal breaker; they turn a fun evening with friends dancing, into bad decisions.
As the bar tour began to wind down, reaching our final destination we made ourselves cozy, taking over the dance floor with a dance battle followed by crazy moves one would not usually display in public. We wanted to start our list of requests for the evening. Normally this entails being nice to the DJ, ensuring your request are played before you leave but I somehow decided that just talking nicely and batting my eyelashes was not enough. NO I decided I would take it upon myself to ensure all songs anyone would or could want would be played by getting hot and heavy with the DJ. True I blame the alcohol for making me take charge but the blame of alcohol can only go so far. It cannot explain why after disappearing from my friends and making out for a bit more I decided sex in the DJ booth would make the evening perfect. Most girls would ask their counterpart but no, I like to take charge and unzipped his pants to whip out his dick. To my dismay he was not as enthused with my idea I was, but that may have been due to the 10 drink difference between us.
Some girls at this point would be embarrassed and leave yet I stayed confident and the sucking face continued and in fact continued until he drove me home and I invited him in. I do not remember a single thing from this point. But I can tell you I awoke the next morning to a lovely note displayed on the pillow next to me stating:
It was great meeting you the other night. I had a great time. Here is my number ###-###-####. I would love to hear from you again.
PS Very Attractive!
Of course at this point my only option was to look into the garbage can to answer the age old question. Yes we had fucked but hey at least I was safe. Upon the usual internet stalking I learned that not only had beer goggles taken over but I had now reached into a new age of prey, the 40s. Ugh the thought made want to sanitize my body and never drink again, which of course lasted less than a week.
So ladies let us remember the next time you go on a bar crawl partner up and make sure you each go home without your new found dad.